i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
