Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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