I think my vagina is haunted
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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