She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
