A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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