I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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