My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
