Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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