just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
