i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
