she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
