can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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