I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
