I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
