Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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