mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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