Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
