today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
