How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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