Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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