he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
