dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
