i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
