He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
