If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
