I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
