I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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