true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
