hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
