I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
