Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
