someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
