Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
