I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
