Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
