I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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