i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
