My ATM looks so different sober.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
