Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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