i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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