does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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