my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
