Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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