I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
