remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
