I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
