Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
