Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
