You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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