New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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