hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
