she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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